Over the past few weeks, I’ve been working on an application to participate in a programming retreat at the Recurse Center. Yet I haven’t been able to bring myself submit the application. It provokes too much anxiety.

So today I sat myself down and thought it through. When I’m being most honest about it, I recognize that this application is causing me an incapacitating amount impostor syndrome. I recognize that it really shouldn’t be like this. I’ve met quite a number of Recursers, and they’re all very kind, giving, and inclusive with their time and knowledge. There’s really nothing to be intimidated about. And yet.

My feelings about it are: maybe I can’t cut it technically, maybe I can’t live up to the standard of kindness among Recursers, maybe my project ideas aren’t good enough, maybe I’m too old. Maybe all of these; I’m not sure. But I did discover that when I finally decided not to apply, I suddenly felt a big sense of relief.

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